First let me say, THANK YOU! For all of your thoughts and prayers about my mom. It has been the toughest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Every extra day with her is a gift and I’m giving her all the love I can right now.
As you know I deal a lot with people who lose someone they love and the heartache the goes along with “the end” of their life with someone. I have walked away from people I’ve loved and there have been people who have walked away from me. I know the pain of experiencing both sides of the equation. But the one thing that all of these endings have in common is that ultimately someone stopped loving the other person.
Okay, well maybe they still have love for you on some level but they have clearly changed their mind that you are not the person they want to share their lives with any longer. So then, let’s say their “love level” changed. But, when you lose someone who no longer loves you, what have your really lost?
I can hear the roar of the crowd coming at me. What have I really lost, you ask? Here are just some of the answers I can hear being shouted out at me: I’ve lost a lifetime of memories with this person. I’ve lost my life with them. I’ve lost my life as I know it. I’ve lost my self-esteem. I’ve lost my hopes and my dreams with this person. I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost the one person I love more than anything.
And yes, I agree. You have lost a lot and that is why it is so painful. Your loss can feel immeasurable and unbearable at times. It can feel overwhelming. But here is my point: love is the most precious gift you can give and receive and everyone deserves to have love and feel love and know love.
There isn’t anything that can compare to loving and being loved by someone. I mean truly loved. There isn’t anything as wonderful and soul-filling as unconditional love. And that is exactly what we deserve and what we all need. But when you love someone and you aren’t being loved back, and this is your life partner? What is this relationship? What do you call that?
Remember, I don’t typically deal with people who are experiencing the normal ups and downs that come along in all relationships. That is for relationship counselors. I deal with people who have tried everything they know short of doing somersaults down Main St. to make this love work. I’m talking about “the end” when the love is gone and it is over. And no amount of hoping, wishing and praying that they will change their mind is going to change a thing. You simply don’t want to believe that they don’t love you anymore.
So again, I ask you; if you lose someone who doesn’t love you, what have you lost?
But now let me dig down deeper and ask you, what have you gained? First of all, you walk away with a text book of life lessons. You walk away with memories that serve you and those that can be tossed aside. You may walk away with being blessed with children that will continue to bless you for a lifetime. You walk away with the strength and character that is built by going through adversity. But more than anything else you are released from not being loved to being able to find the kind of love you so richly deserve.
I was thinking about all of this because of my mom. I was thinking how I have cried over my own losses in past relationships and how I’ve helped others through their pain of losing someone they loved. But I stopped and thought to myself, what did I really lose? Someone who didn’t love me? Is that really a loss? Is it? When you take the emotion out of it and think about it, when you lose someone that didn’t love you, what have you lost?
But by feeling what it is like to actually lose someone who loves you, that is the greatest heartache of all. In a way, it is selfish. I laugh because I don’t want to lose someone who loves me so much and be left alone to find the maybes.
There is no more solid a foundation you will find than by being loved by someone, especially a mother. The sense of security and having a safe place to totally be your self is a gift. Being loved unconditionally is freeing. But even though there is loss, and as I said it is the greatest loss of all, what you take away is far greater than the loss.
You take with you the gift they’ve imparted to you; of knowing how to love and the feeling of being loved back, which is the greatest gift of all. You take away how they have made you a better person by knowing them. And, you take away a lifetime of memories that will sustain you throughout the rest of your life.
But more than anything else you take with you one soul being felt by another which is love in its most pure form. I am who I am because of the love I have known by someone who truly loves me. And for that I will be forever grateful. My greatest wish for you is to know this kind of love.
If you are with someone and they don’t love you back or you’ve lost someone who didn’t really love you…what have you lost when they’re gone?
Warmest wishes…my love to all of you! Susan
The question I hear most often is, Why? And the why typically encompasses all events or circumstances in our lives. Why did he leave me? Why did they do this? Why don’t they love me? Why did I lose my job? Why can’t I find someone? And on and on.
Last night while lying in bed at 3:00 a.m. I found myself asking: Why did this have to happen to my mom this way? I have been by her bedside for 3 weeks watching her go through a lot to say the least. I’ll spare the details. I’m watching her becoming weaker every day and keeping an attitude that would seem impossible to most people. She has never once complained and jokes with the nurses and is her usual kind, warm self.
I try to be as strong as I can but the thought of losing her becomes overwhelming since she is my best friend, my biggest supporter and has loved me, encouraged me and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. She is an angel from heaven and I have been truly blessed to have her as my mother.
I was talking with my good friend in Australia last night Lorraine Grace. We were discussing many things including my mom and my pain with it. Anyone in AU, look her up if you need a great counselor. www.gracecounsellingservice.com.au) Anyway, she said when you ask “why” instead ask yourself “how”. (Even coaches need coaches!)
Instead of asking why did he leave me, ask how do I deal with this going forward? Why did I lose my job? Instead ask how am I going to find a new one? Why did this happen to my mom this way? Instead, ask how can I make her comfortable while she is still here?
When you ask why, it causes you to stay stuck in what is wrong which you have no control over anyway. It is what it is. Remember, when we resist what is, we suffer. When you ask how, it allows you to move forward. By asking how instead of why it rids you of feeling helpless and being a victim and it gives you direction and purpose.
Lorraine also loves the works of Eckert Tolle. She told me that Eckert Tolle explains that pain comes from the past and future. We cry over the past and wish things were different and we suffer because of it. And when we fear the future and what will happen or not happen, we suffer.
All we have is right now and we need to deal with the present moment. Let go of the past and don’t worry about tomorrow. Take it a day at a time or a step at a time and have faith that God is with you carrying you through your pain when you can no longer walk.
When adversity knocks at your door answer with the divine strength and courage that will pull your through any challenge. Allow your spiritual self lead the way in healing your pain so you can have peace from within.
God bless you all and with all my heart, thank you for your thoughts and prayers…Susan
Every day we make choices; what to wear, what to eat, what to say, what not to say, which way to drive to work, what chores to do first, who to go to lunch with, how much time you spend doing something and on and on. Most of these decisions we make unconsciously. It’s just part of the routine and we don’t even notice ourselves making them.
Then there are the big decisions that really take some time and thought such as which car to buy, where to live, should I buy or rent and on and on. But there is another decision you will make that has the biggest impact of all on your life. Many people don’t even realize that it’s a choice. They believe it’s just the way it is and they can’t do anything about it because of their circumstances.
And, this particular decision has everything to do with how you experience anything. It is the choice you make about your attitude and how you respond to what happens to you in life.
After spending years in the concentration camps and literally being stripped of everyone he loved and every possession he had, Victor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man or a women but one thing; the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” (If you haven’t read his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, it’s worth it.)
There are 101 reasons you can choose to be miserable and a lot of people find a hundred of them and are miserable because of them. Or, you can look at 101 reasons why you should celebrate life and be happy instead. And, whether you are aware of it or not you choose to be happy or sad by what you think. But most people think they have to be upset because of whatever it is that is upsetting them.
They really don’t grasp the concept that how they respond to whatever it is really is a choice. Many times they don’t realize they are making this choice unconsciously. But the good news is you can change all of that by deciding how you will respond to your circumstances.
I’m not saying that you don’t have an initial reaction to events and circumstances that occur. Of course you will go through a gamut of emotions and thoughts when you experience betrayal, loss, heartache, or deceit. But when the dust has settled and once you step back you will then choose how you are going to experience whatever has happened to you by how you decide to view it or respond to it.
Some people even let small events rock their worlds. They get upset in traffic or long lines or nasty people send them over the edge. And again you might have that initial spark of frustration or anger but it’s when you let it consume you and you don’t let it go that you make yourself miserable. And, get very clear on the fact that is your choice.
Not letting go of the past, who did what to you, why this or that happened is also a choice. You may think that it isn’t, but make no mistake it is 100% your decision what you choose to think about. It is up to you to decide whether you are going to make heaven out of hell or hell out of heaven by how you choose to respond to whatever has happened to you.
Make a decision today to consciously choose your thoughts. Make a decision to be happy regardless of what is going on by keeping your mind focused on what’s good instead of living in the past. And make a decision to live your life “right” now instead of waiting to be happy.
All of our choices come with consequences and when you choose NOT to be in control of your attitude the consequence doesn’t make life easier it makes it harder on you. But, when you consciously decide how you are going to respond to things the consequence is more peace, happiness and a better quality of life. So what’s your decision?
Warm wishes and I want to thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers for my mom. Today is a beautiful day…she is feeling a little bit better. I love you all…Susan
Do you feel lucky, happy, positive and grateful? If not, then how do you feel? Luck is a funny word. I’ve always thought of it as good fortune. To me, bad luck is an oxymoron. But regardless, being that I’m a bit Irish and with St. Patrick’s Day upon us I thought it a good topic to talk about.
As a side note, did you know that the “Luck of the Irish” can be interpreted either way? Some say they were lucky and some say they were unlucky. But as always it’s all about how you interpret anything that makes the difference in how you will experience it. It’s the glass half full or half empty kinda thing.
So, let me ask you again: How do you feel? Many times I feel so lucky for so many reasons but believe me when I tell you there are times that I forget how truly lucky I am. I can moan and complain and whine about stuff but it’s typically short lived once I come back to my senses.
This should be an excerpt from Confessions of a Positive Person! Positive people aren’t supposed to feel anything but upbeat, happy, hopeful and positive, right? Well yes you would think so but that isn’t always the case, even for us proclaimed positive types.
We all have our share of frustrations, heartache, disappointments and adversities too. There are days that you wish you could do over, days you wish you could entirely forget about and there are days you wish would never end. Sadly most people don’t experience the latter often enough.
But, it is when these negative feelings that haunt each and every one of our lives come knocking at your front door that you have to decide whether you are going to invite them in for a very short visit or have them check in for an extended stay. Some people allow these unwanted feelings stay so long they don’t know how to get them to leave.
The difference between positive and negative people is mainly one thing. It is what they think. And as you all know by now we choose what we think. And what we think about we bring about! Sure, you can get cranky, irritated and teed off, who doesn’t? But the factor that makes the biggest difference is how long you allow those kinds of feelings and emotions to hang out with you. And again…therein lies the difference.
So when I ask you how you feel, remember you choose how you are going to feel by what you choose to think about. Let me break it down in its most simplistic form.
So if you’re feeling lucky, happy, grateful or whatever, it’s all about what thoughts you choose to interpret whatever event that is going on in your life.
The last several months my mom has been very sick and I can’t imagine losing her but I know that someday it is inevitable. It is something I try to avoid thinking about but the other night I got on a crying jag about it because the thought of loss was so overwhelming. I realized that this pain is just a glimpse of what I will experience when that day comes.
But I also realized that it is a part of the process called grief. And as afraid as I am about going through it I also know that I will move through it in time. So, no matter what is going on in your life it’s your choice as to how you view it. Don’t be so mad about stuff you have no control over. Stop living with regrets and start living focused on your blessings. Quit wishing things were different begin wishing for the best instead.
How you feel right this very second is all about what you are thinking. I feel lucky! I feel so fortunate that I still have some time with my mom, that I can touch people’s lives with my work and that I live with more of a positive outlook than a negative one. And do you want to know why I do, because that is what I choose!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! You’re all so lucky! Lots of love and green beer! Susan
Every day is a new beginning especially when things don’t work out the way you hoped they would. My best friend’s sister has been out of work for 7 months like many other people in this country who have lost their jobs. The other day she was so excited because she was offered a job with an ad agency. But, she would be making $25,000 less than her last job which she worked at for 15 years. She wondered if she should try and negotiate a little more money and decided to go for it.
They told her to forget it and took the offer off the table! Needless to say she was devastated and felt like she blew it. If it were me I would’ve done the same thing. Apparently, I guess they took it as her not appreciating the opportunity which I feel is narrow minded and they clearly failed to see the bigger picture.
Having an employee that is a go-getter, who is not afraid to negotiate a better deal and who feels that what they bring to the table has value is who I would want on my team. Instead they could’ve said this is the starting pay but there is room for advancement after you’re reviewed in 3 or 6 months. But to be so uncompromising… I’m not sure I would want to work for them!
Now, I’m telling you this story because many times when you feel like you screwed up or when things don’t work out the way you want it’s really a new beginning and it simply wasn’t meant to be. The reality is that something better will come along. But if you look at the door that was closed and beat yourself up, where will that get you? Probably more depressed and stuck in the past.
The other reality is that when you really think about it would you really want to work for a company that was so rigid and close minded? If they handled that situation with such an offensive and hard lined attitude what would the day-in-day-out job be like? So, even though it doesn’t feel like it, there is a silver lining in every situation.
It’s the same thing with other events and relationships in your life. When they don’t work out or when you blame yourself for whatever happened it’s a waste of time. And ultimately, things always work out in the end. And if you look a little deeper you will probably find that there were things you ignored that weren’t so perfect.
Each day is a new beginning to start over. A chance to do it differently, to pick up the pieces and move on to the next chapter in your life and to put the past in its place where it belongs, which is in the past. Don’t carry guilt, regret and blame with you into today or into your future. What good does it do you? How does it benefit you? Does it make you a better person?
Our lives will have disappointments, failures and adversities along the journey but they are coupled with triumphs, successes and good fortune too. Each day is a new beginning to travel the road ahead of you with the right attitude. Remember, it’s not what happens to us in life that matters the most, it’s how we CHOOSE to perceive what happens to us that matters more! And however we perceive it is who we will experience it.
Choose to look at each day as a new beginning to look at all the good in your life. A new beginning to live with an attitude of gratitude and to be thankful for all of your many gifts. Or, you can choose to mope around, feel sorry for yourself and live in the past. Which road do you want to travel? It’s your choice!
Warmest wishes…and I wish you all a GREAT weekend! Susan
I just taught a 5 week workshop on Live on Purpose and what seemed to come up most often are the roadblocks that keep people stuck and hold them back from living a better life. I know that sounds cliche but living a better life eludes many people. As a matter of fact not only can you live a better life but you can go on to live an awesome life, IF you get out of your own way! So, what’s holding YOU back?
The most popular on the Top 10 Charts of human roadblocks are people’s fears, their limiting beliefs and living their lives in the past. And you can remove all 3 of these if you really want to live a better life. I know it’s easier said than done, but ask yourself, “What is so easy about living the way you are and wishing things were different?”
Comfort comes to mind. Even though you may long and wish to change some circumstance in your life, that warm cozy feeling of living in your comfort zone is a lot less scary than walking through your fears. And, letting go of the past is like losing your life since that is where you live your life; in the past.
Lastly, your limiting beliefs have always dictated how you think of yourself and how you live your life because you’ve decided to believe they are true instead of challenging their validity.
Additionally, limiting beliefs add nothing to your life and take everything you’d like to experience away from you, if you buy into them. They are invisible barriers that hold you prisoner of your own beliefs!
So, how do you get rid of the top 3 roadblocks that stop you in your tracks? I am going to give you the short version of what I taught in the workshop.
The best way to let go of your fears is to walk through them. Do the thing you’re afraid of! Each time your fears well up let them know that you are now in charge and you have a new plan for you! Break them apart and most times you will find that they were imaginary.
Just like when you were a kid, the boogie man was made up in your mind as being real, so are many of your fears. When you face them they will have less power over you than you thought. Conquer your fears or they will conquer you.
Next, take your limiting beliefs and put them on the table. Then dissect them by asking yourself several questions such as: Is this really true? Is what you are saying 100% factual? What is the payoff for holding onto this belief? Who would I be without this thought? What would my life be like without this thought? Is it possible that the opposite of this belief is also true? And there are many more questions that you can ask to get to the crux of your beliefs.
Then re-script the old worn out belief and replace it with a new belief that serves you. When the old one is knocking on the door and wants in, think of your new re-scripted belief instead, this is called reprogramming your sub-conscious mind.
And how do you stop living in the past? Just stop it! I’m kidding and I’m not. First you need to understand that the past only exists in your mind. It’s gone, it’s over, it’s done; it’s not real, it is the past. And it only exists because you keep thinking about it. You keep it alive by your habitual thoughts of reliving it. What is real is this moment, right now, today.
The entire last module I taught in the workshop was on resistance and acceptance. Read these next sentences slowly so they sink in. When you resist what is; you suffer. When you are attached to the way you wish things would’ve been you will struggle against life. Until you learn to accept what is, you will hold yourself hostage living in the past and also living in pain. Acceptance is facing reality. Once you accept reality you let go of resisting what is and your free yourself from the past and the pain.
So if you were wondering what has been holding you back from living the life you want, now you know. Of course there may be other obstacles in your path but these are the big 3. Once you move beyond these roadblocks you can begin to live the life you’ve always dreamed of, a better life on many levels! Do the thing you think you can’t, it’s worth it!
Warm wishes and…HUGS…Susan
p.s.I just thought… even though the Live On Purpose workshop has ended I can extend the offer to you if you want. The modules won’t be live but you can still listen to the replays of the classes. If your interested just click the below link. Have a wonderful weekend!
http://susanrusso.com/register/5-week-live-on-purpose-workshop/
Decisions, decisions, decisions. We make them every day. Some are good, some are bad and sometimes we make no decision, which is a decision in itself. You’ve heard me say it 100 times, “All of our choices come with consequences, so choose wisely.” Sometimes the consequences are minor and sometimes the consequences are big, really big and then we have to live with them.
But, the reality is there really is no “bad” decision because of the simple fact that we learn from our mistakes. (Hopefully!) Believe me I have made my share of bad decisions, some of which I am still living with the consequences of today. When you live with the consequences of bad decisions in a way that they eat you alive, consume your thoughts, or you let them ruin your life, that’s called, regret.
And, if you don’t know it yet, regrets are a waste of time. You expend your energy walking down a dark, depressing path when at any time you can turn the corner into the light and warmth of Forgiveness Alley. It’s up to you which road you take once you’ve made a bad decision.
Dwelling on it, incessantly thinking about it, crying over it, whining about it and wishing it hadn’t happened aren’t going to do a single thing to change what happened, so why go through the drama? You can turn a bad decision into an albatross by not letting it go and allowing it to tear you apart, which by the way is an even worse decision.
So when you find that you have made a bad decision, which we all do, chalk it up to another of life’s lessons and get about the business of learning from it, and then let it go and move on.
We all know sh*t happens. But it’s our choice (decision, get it?) how we will choose to perceive it, how we choose to deal with it. At any moment you can change your mind and take the high road. You can tell yourself that even though whatever happened, happened, you ARE NOT going to let it ruin your day, not to mention ruin your life.
There’s no question that bad decisions can change the course of your life but just because you hit a bump in the road or for some a crater, doesn’t mean that you can’t move on and still have a great life. It’s your decision!
So go out and celebrate that you are through another bad decision and it’s behind you. Brush off the dirt of Regret Alley and move out onto the Highway of Life. There are ups and downs and curves in the road but its part of the journey. You’ll never get to where you want to be when you keep looking in the rear view mirror. We all have to travel the road anyway so sit back and enjoy the ride.
I was talking to someone the other day about how their dreams have died. They said they used to believe in love and thought they would have a great life. They never thought they would be divorced twice and be so in debt. And, nothing happened the way they thought it would.
I know from coaching that many people feel the same way. Many believe that their chance for love has gone out the window and what they used to believe would happen, will never happen. Well guess what? The truth is, your dreams haven’t died, your beliefs died.
You still have your dreams of how you would like to live your life but somewhere along the line your life took a different course. Your dreams didn’t change, they are still there, but your belief that you can have what you want isn’t there anymore.
You may have dreamed of being married only once or getting married at all for that matter and today that isn’t your reality. What happens is that there you are skipping merrily along down the Lane of Life thinking one thing and someone throws you a curve ball to disrupt your plan and knocks you off your feet.
They’ve whittled away at your belief of love, marriage, career, finances or whatever, a little bit at a time. There are many factors that contribute to your diminished belief: your wrong choices or their wrong choices. Being left by someone you love, being told you can’t do something (and believing it), bad decisions that set you off track, bad investments, betrayal, deceit and on and on.
So because all of these contributing factors added up to not getting what it is you ultimately desired doesn’t mean that it’s too late. But, here’s the rub. Whatever you believe, you’re right. So it goes to say that if you truly believe you can’t or won’t have what you want, you won’t. It’s that simple.
As I said before, your dream is still very much alive but it is so deeply buried because of all of the disappointment and hurt along the way that you really don’t believe the dream is still there. But, if you are honest with yourself and get rid of all the past “stuff” you will see that underneath it all you still want what you’ve always wanted.
Now that you know your dreams haven’t gone away, it’s time to face the real culprit of not having what you want; your beliefs. It’s all of these little factors that have ripped apart your beliefs. What you believed then and what you believe now are two totally different things. And if YOU don’t believe you can have what you want how do you ever expect to get it?
The bottom line is that in order to even have a fighting chance of living your dreams you have to change what it is you’ve chosen to believe. You have to find that faith and undying belief that you CAN have what you desire.
Change your focus from: It’s never going to happen for me, not now, not ever, it’s too late, I’m too old, too tired, it’s too hard, it’s too bad etc. Instead focus on: I know that dreams do come true. I know that what I keep my thoughts focused on will be what I experience. I believe in abundance, goodness, love and faith.
If you can find a way to convince yourself that it can happen just as you’ve convinced yourself that it can’t happen, you will be that much closer to living a better life in real life and not only in your dreams.
Follow your dreams, believe in yourself again and know that you CAN have what you want when you believe you can.
Warmest wishes to living your dreams…Susan
Susan, I know it was hard to hear at first but your coaching was a wake up call for me. I don’t know how much more time I would’ve wasted if you hadn’t been so honest with me. Thank you for getting me to see the light. I will be ever grateful! Debbie
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